Commitment in Marriage: What It Actually Looks Like Day to Day

He still wears the ring. She still makes his lunch on the busy mornings. Nobody has cheated, nobody has moved out, and if you asked either of them, they’d say they are committed. But his phone has become the place he goes when the house gets loud. She has stopped mentioning the things that bother her, because last time he said she was “always on him.” He tells a small lie about what the new tires cost. She tells her sister about the fight before she tells him how she felt. Each choice is small. Together they add up to a marriage that is staying together but sliding apart.

That is the quiet fear behind a lot of marriages: we haven’t broken our vows, so why does it feel like we’re losing each other?

The answer is that commitment in marriage isn’t one big promise you made once. It’s a set of everyday choices that either move you up or slide you down. The good news is that the same small choices work in both directions, and either spouse can start climbing today.

Chutes and Ladders: What the New Research Found

The study is titled “Chutes and Ladders,” and the name is a helpful picture. Researchers at Brigham Young University and Northern Illinois University interviewed people about how they experienced commitment and betrayal in their intimate relationships, then used grounded theory methods to build a model of the process. The model links acts of commitment and acts of betrayal to changes in trust, emotional safety, connection, relational stability, and whether partners’ needs were being met.

Two cautions keep us honest. This is a qualitative interview study, so it describes how people experience commitment; it doesn’t measure how much any one behavior matters or prove cause and effect. And its stated aim is to give therapists and researchers a more nuanced framework. But its findings line up with decades of commitment research. Scott Stanley and Howard Markman described commitment as two related things: personal dedication, the desire to keep and improve the relationship for both spouses’ benefit, and constraint commitment, the forces that make leaving costly (Stanley and Markman, 1992). Constraint can hold a marriage together. Only dedication makes it good. The five dimensions are a practical picture of what dedication looks like.

The Five Dimensions of Commitment in Marriage

The study’s abstract names the five dimensions without spelling out every detail, so what follows is our plain reading of how each shows up in an ordinary week.

1. Fidelity: your loyalty stays home

Fidelity starts long before an affair. It’s where your attention, your confiding and your private thoughts go. A national survey in Family Process found that people who reported higher commitment also reported less monitoring of attractive alternatives (Stanley, Markman and Whitton, 2002). A later study of unmarried adults found that this kind of attention to alternatives rose before people reported infidelity (Ritchie and colleagues, 2021). Faithfulness is guarded at the level of attention, not just action.

Self-check: Is there anyone or anything I turn to for comfort that I’d be uneasy for my spouse to see?

2. Prioritization: your spouse gets your best, not your leftovers

Work, kids, church callings, hobbies and phones all deserve time. Commitment means your spouse is not the thing that gets whatever is left over. It shows up on the calendar and in the first ten minutes after you walk in the door.

Self-check: If my spouse looked at how I spent my free hours last week, would they feel like a priority?

3. Relational investment: you put something in on purpose

Marriages don’t run on autopilot. Investment is the date you planned, the hard conversation you started instead of avoided, the counselor you called, the habit you changed because it hurt your spouse.

Self-check: What have I deliberately put into this marriage in the last month?

4. Wholeheartedness: you’re not holding back a piece of yourself

You can do every outward duty of marriage while keeping your heart half out the door, with an exit plan you’d never say out loud or a “we’ll see.” Wholeheartedness is choosing to be all in, including your honesty and your hope.

Self-check: Is there a part of me I’m keeping in reserve in case this doesn’t work out?

5. Endurance: you stay steady through the hard seasons

Every marriage hits seasons of illness, money stress, small children, grief or plain dryness. Endurance isn’t gritting your teeth in a cold house. It is staying faithful and warm while you work through it together.

Self-check: When things got hard this year, did I lean in or pull back?

The Small Betrayals That Slide a Marriage Backward

The study found that betrayal took four forms. Most people think of betrayal as the dramatic affair, but each of these has an everyday version.

Turning to someone or something outside the marriage. Not only another person. It can be a coworker you confide in, a group chat, pornography, gaming, or work that always wins. Whatever gets the attention and comfort that belongs at home.
Lying. Big lies end trust fast. Small, convenient ones wear it down slowly: the price of a purchase, where you really were, “I’m fine.” Scripture’s standard is simple: “Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another” (Ephesians 4:25). If a lie has already done damage, start with how to rebuild trust after lying in marriage.
Unequal commitment. One spouse carries the marriage while the other coasts. In a separate study of 315 unmarried couples, when one partner was much more committed than the other, both partners reported more conflict and aggression than partners in more evenly committed relationships (Stanley and colleagues, 2017).
Emotional or verbal aggression. Contempt, name-calling, threats and cutting sarcasm aren’t just bad communication. People in the study experienced them as betrayal, because they turn the safest person into a source of fear. For more, see emotional safety in marriage.

None of these usually starts as a decision to betray. They start as a drift. That’s why the self-checks matter: you can catch the slide while it’s still a small step down.

What Commitment Means in a Covenant Marriage

For a husband and wife who believe their marriage was made before God, commitment is not a feeling they hope to keep. It’s a covenant they keep. And Scripture speaks to every one of the five dimensions.

Fidelity and priority are in the first description of marriage: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). To leave and cleave means the marriage comes before every other earthly loyalty, even good ones.

Investment follows a simple law: “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:21). Spend your time, attention and effort on your marriage, and your heart follows. Feelings often come after investment, not before it.

Wholeheartedness is the standard for all faithful work: “And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men” (Colossians 3:23). Half-hearted marriage is a contradiction.

Endurance is woven into charity itself: “Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7).

And here is where the spiritual strength comes in. A husband and wife who are aligned, each keeping their own side of the covenant and bringing their own gifts, are not just two committed individuals. They are a cord with a third strand: “And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). When one spouse is weak, the other’s faithfulness holds. When both are weak, God holds them both.

For Husbands: Go First and Stay Steady

Go first on fidelity. Don’t wait to be asked. Set your own guardrails with screens, coworkers and old friends, and tell your wife what they are. Guardrails you choose for her sake are a gift, not a cage. For help setting them together, read boundaries that protect trust in marriage.
Lead with the calendar. Put the weekly date, the marriage meeting and the family dinner on the schedule before work fills it. Leadership in marriage is mostly going first on the unglamorous things.
Be the steady one. When stress hits, your calm tells her the marriage is not in question. The standard is high: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25). Christ’s commitment didn’t waver under pressure, and it cost Him something.
Never use the exit as a weapon. No threats to leave, ever, even in your angriest moment. Your words about the marriage’s future should only ever point one direction.

For Wives: Clarity, Encouragement and Your Own Gifts

Bring clarity, not hints. If you feel like you’re carrying more than he is, say so plainly and kindly before resentment builds. “I need more from you here” is far more loving than slowly pulling away.
Encourage what you want more of. When he invests, even clumsily, notice it out loud. Many husbands work harder where they feel they’re winning.
Use the gifts you bring. Many wives notice the early signs of drift sooner than their husbands do. That awareness is a gift to the marriage when it comes with grace: “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness” (Proverbs 31:26).
Be the one he can confide in. Keep his struggles off the group chat and away from family. “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her” (Proverbs 31:11). Your loyalty in private is your fidelity too.

When he goes first and stays steady, and she brings clarity and encouragement, the two of them climb together instead of waiting for the other to move.

What to Say: Scripts for Climbing Back Up

When you notice your own slide:

“I’ve been giving my phone the attention that should go to you. I’m sorry. I’m leaving it in the kitchen after the kids go to bed this week.”

When you feel like you’re carrying the marriage alone:

“I love you, and I’m tired. I feel like I’m doing most of the work of keeping us close right now. Can we talk about what each of us can carry?”

When you confess a small lie:

“I told you the tires were $400. They were $650. It was a small lie, but it was still a lie, and you deserve the truth from me.”

When you want to recommit together:

“I don’t want us just to stay married. I want us to be all in. Can we each pick one thing to change this week?”

Common Mistakes Couples Make About Commitment

Treating “I’m not leaving” as the whole of commitment. That’s constraint, not dedication. Staying is the floor, not the goal.
Waiting to feel committed before acting committed. Investment usually comes first. The feelings follow.
Keeping score of who’s more committed. Name the imbalance honestly, but don’t build a ledger. The aim is to bring both of you up, not to win.
Excusing small betrayals because they’re small. A little lie or a private outlet seems harmless until you see the pattern. For a broader look, read the signs trust is broken in a marriage.

What to Do This Week

Day 1: Each of you privately answer the five self-checks above. Circle the dimension where you’re strongest and the one where you’re slipping.
Day 2: Sit down for 20 minutes. Open with a short prayer. Each share your strongest and weakest dimension. Talk only about yourself, not your spouse.
Day 3: Name one small betrayal you’ll stop. Be specific: an app, a habit, a kind of comment.
Days 4-6: Make one visible investment each: plan a date, take something off your spouse’s plate, write a note.
Day 7: Ask each other: “Did you feel more of my commitment this week?” Keep it going with a weekly marriage meeting and the free weekly marriage meeting guide.

When the Problem Is More Than Commitment

Everything here assumes two spouses who want to keep their vows. If you are facing ongoing infidelity, or if verbal or emotional aggression has become threats, intimidation, control or physical harm, more effort from you is not the answer. Prioritize your safety, seek qualified individual help, and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for confidential support. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Sources

Ritchie, L. L., Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2021). Romantic alternative monitoring increases ahead of infidelity and break-up. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(2), 711-724. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520968633
Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (1992). Assessing commitment in personal relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 54(3), 595-608. https://doi.org/10.2307/353245
Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Whitton, S. W. (2002). Communication, conflict, and commitment: Insights on the foundations of relationship success from a national survey. Family Process, 41(4), 659-675. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2002.00659.x
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., Scott, S. B., Kelmer, G., Markman, H. J., & Fincham, F. D. (2017). Asymmetrically committed relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(8), 1241-1259. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407516672013
Van Alfen, M., Whiting, J. B., Sibley, D. S., & Banford Witting, A. (2026). Chutes and ladders: A grounded theory analysis of commitment and betrayal in intimate relationships. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 52(4). https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.70177
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version of the Bible as published at churchofjesuschrist.org.

FAQ

What is commitment in marriage?

Commitment in marriage is the daily choice to keep your spouse first and to keep investing in the marriage, not just a promise not to leave. Recent research describes it through five dimensions: fidelity, prioritization, relational investment, wholeheartedness and endurance.

What are signs of betrayal in a relationship?

In the research this article draws on, betrayal showed up as turning to someone or something outside the relationship, lying, unequal levels of commitment, and emotional or verbal aggression. Many betrayals start small, such as a private outlet, a convenient lie or one spouse quietly doing less.

How do you show commitment in marriage?

Keep your attention and loyalty at home, put your spouse ahead of work, hobbies and screens, invest time and effort on purpose, bring your whole heart instead of going through the motions, and stay steady through hard seasons. Small, repeated actions show it more than big declarations.

Can commitment in marriage be rebuilt after it slips?

Often, yes, when both spouses are willing. Name the slide honestly, stop the specific behavior, repair the trust it cost, and start climbing again with small, visible acts of commitment. Abuse or ongoing infidelity needs outside help, not just more effort.